There are little white lies, and then there are whoppers. When meeting someone for the first time, we tend to use harmless white lies to blur facts about less impressive or unimportant details - such as how you really feel about hockey, or opera, or breast feeding in public. Or how about ‘No, no, really I just ate!” and then a second later your tummy grumbles calling your bluff! This behaviour indicates a certain sensitivity and normal desire to put one's best foot forward, and isn't necessarily bad. However, when someone starts telling you they recently won the Nobel Peace Prize, it's clearly a problem.
Being able to identify who is lying to you, might help save you time, energy and even heart ache. We were always told that when people lie, they look up to the left? Or is it to the right? In fact, it doesn't matter, that theory has long ago proven to be little more than an old wives tale.
There are however symptoms of telltale signs that someone is lying. If you have joined a dating site, going to a club, or church social, it is helpful to know whether a person you are interested in is telling you the truth.
We hope the list of hints below will help you spot the lies…
Eye contact
This is probably where there "looking up to the left" legend comes from. It doesn't matter where they are looking, if they can't make eye contact with you it's a pretty clear sign that they are lying. A low self-esteem can also cause people to avoid eye contact, however you can usually tell these poor souls from the liars because they will consistently look down. Liars on the other hand, will look anywhere and everywhere (but you) when lying, but will be able to stay focussed on you when answering a question truthfully. If you suspect you are talking to a liar, try asking a question that you know is easy to answer honestly (such as, "do you like hockey?") and watch for a change in demeanour and eye contact: if they are lying you will notice that they immediately relax, and latch on to the new topic very quickly.
Subject avoidance
Liars are usually trying to cover up a detail about themselves or a topic they are embarrassed for you to know about. They will almost always do whatever they can to avoid talking about it, changing the subject which is where lying comes in. However before you decide this is a lie, it may be a subject matter that is very intense, or uncomfortable, such as your religious beliefs or family values. Be sure the topic avoidance, is truly something that is not a heavy subject matter to test the waters for reactions
Long, unnecessary explanations
Lies, by default, are made up stories. Stories take a lot of construction and reflection. When someone lies to you, they often feel the need to tell more detail than necessary. This is because they are not only proving the story is true to you, they are in a sense doing the same for themselves. Going into detail allows the liar keep track of the lie, kind of like how criminals have to go over every detail of their alibi to ensure it checks out. Because they are worried you will see through the lie, they will often keep providing "evidence" that it's true. A variation of this third sign is exaggeration. Liars will often over-exaggerate in their long-winded discourse, in the hopes that it will strengthen the lie.
A person may act like this and still be telling the truth; it's just highly unlikely, especially if they exhibit more than one sign. Take note of the three indicators and use them to help decipher honesty next time you meet someone new. Bear in mind that telling the truth is the easiest option, while constructing a lie takes thought and energy. Most people will take the path of least resistance, and opt to tell the truth; However, there are countless social situations - meeting new friends, speed dating 10 or more unknown singles, examining your blind date, etc. - where being able to discern the liars from the truthful will come in handy. Keep your eyes open, and your own ethics clean, and you will always come out on top.
Inconsistencies In Comments And Claims
One way to detect whether the person you are interested in an online dating site is lying is by paying close attention to the comments and claims made by them. If at one point of time they made a comment regarding certain issue and the next moment made a different comment on the same issue, this can be a cause for concern.
Not Having Enough Personal Information About The Other Party
When you sign up with any dating sites, it is important that you should not divulge too much personal information for fear of a possible personal attack or internet frauds that may occur to gain access to your financial information. However, if you have been chatting with a particular person for a long time and yet still do not know basic personal information like occupation, then this person could be suspicious because they do not want to take the risk of being exposed of their lie. It is after all easy enough to pick up the phone and ask the receptionist to be connected to Mr. X
Wanting To Move Too Fast
You may have met people in dating sites who wanted to take you to a level of relationship which you may feel uncomfortable. Beware of those who talk dirty most of the time during your online chat. Then they may request to meet in a hotel for the first meeting. Take your time, this is your dating schedule and choice not theirs.
Liars have a tendency to fidget a lot while they talk with somebody. Shifting foot positions, touching their face and mouth area, swaying, rapidly moving hands, and the like, are signs that the person feels uncomfortable while speaking with you. The question to ask is why? Are they uncomfortable with the subject? Lying? Or nerves? Go with your gut instinct, if it doesn’t feel right, move on.
A good liar will ask you to repeat your question in order to give them more time to make up a lie, or ask you a question in response to your question, gauging your reaction.
Liars, especially if they are married, will mysteriously be unavailable for phone calls or e-mail responses. The will also exhibit other inexplicable behaviour that makes you wonder if they are telling the truth. Believe your instincts if you feel this way.
Ultimately, whether a single person meets a date through a dating service, or matched up from a friend it’s YOUR responsibility to keep safe. Do not go on every date thinking that he/she is a liar or a psychopath, but do use caution, common sense and keep these tips in the back of your mind!
Next Month: Where to meet someone.
© Copyright, 2010 Main Street Magazine/Rain Enterprises
As seen in the June Issue of Main Street Magazine.
Printed in Canada, ISSN: 1920-4299 by Rain Enterprises
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